It’s funny how thoughts grow. They appear as if from
nowhere, a spark in the mayhem of all the other thoughts but some sparks of
ideas or concepts or memories are actually seeds which grow and grow until they
become all consuming distractions which trump rational argument and prevent you
making sensible decisions.
I realise this sounds like someone describing the onset of
depression or a similar mental health problem. It’s actually what happened to
me during today’s race – and fortunately it wasn’t a depressing thought, but
having experienced the way it grew I can see how depression starts.
The first half of the course went reasonably well. I was
happy with my routes and while I was feeling a little sluggish and perhaps
lacking a little bit of aggression through the terrain I knew I was going OK.
Just before the arena I met my 1- and 2- minute men on an in-out leg so I knew
I was catching them. At the arena I heard I was in 2nd, 16s behind
Chris Smithard. Great, I thought, the rest of the course is in the housing
estate - just like I’m used to. Lets pick up the intensity and close that gap
down.
The next control after the arena was #11, down the edge of
some buildings and turn left. As I was running down the buildings I picked my
route to the 12th – carry on past 11 all the way down the road – the
straighter route looks fractionally shorter but my route is simpler, so I can
really open up the taps. As I’m running down the road I see the Finnish top of
my 1-minute man ahead of me. Cool, I’m definitely catching him.
The spark first appears as I turn off the road. “Wouldn’t it
be funny if I’d forgotten to punch the 11th”. Haha, yes, that would be funny. I carry on towards
the 12th.
Then it grows. I can’t remember punching the 11th.
Can I? I wouldn’t have run right past it, would I?
I look at the map again. I think I ran straight to the road.
I’ve done this before – start navigating the next leg before punching the current
one. I saw the Finn – I got ahead of myself. I’ve got no way of checking – we’re
on screenless EMIT cards. In that 30 seconds from the first spark this negative
thought has grown to be 100% certainty that I ran right past 11. I pause for a
second. If this was WOC, a one-off race, I’d chance it and carry on but this is
the first of five races this week. A DSQ today would really spoil the rest of
the series, particularly the chase on the final day.
I turn away from 12 and back to 11. As I get there I become
slightly less certain. I know my race is over but I still have to get round the
rest of the course. I can’t say I was pushing 100% or really focussing on the
best routes. Another spark – in my heart and legs – was gone.
So I traipsed in 67th, 3:25 behind the best time
of Mathias Kyburz and 3:00 behind the outstanding run by Chris Smithard in 4th.
I don’t know what I could have done today but I do know I’ve let myself down.
Fortunately there are still four races left this week. Today could be just the
spark I needed.
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